Been quite a while...

Yes, it's been quite a while I've blogged here.. Coz there is not much to talk about right now..it's like I have 2 lives..one which everyone knows about..the happy, alright me..and one which is a deep dark secret about what I face every other day..

And I'm tired..I so want to lay down my head and wake up to a day with a song in my heart..it seems so long..so long that I've laughed or smiled a genuine smile.. part of me thinks it s not a great idea to be writing about this here..this is a blog to give hope afterall..yet what do you do when you feel like you have had enuf..when your patience has reached its limit? And yes, the normal folks out there with just one life..tell you to get over it..coz its all in ur head..I would agree with them while I was like them SO I'll leave it at that..Today I know better..i've tried to talk to folks and cheer them up..many times..yet today I need cheering up..

I just feel lost and lonely most of the time..one day just flows into the next..and thats how its been for a year now.. I look around and see people smiling and pray its real..this is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.. Emotional pain is the most painful of it all esp at a point when you are on an all time low..like now..

And I wonder ..there is an angel for each of us they say..who is there to wipe away the tears..
Right now..I'm just wondering where's mine..

" When you have nowhere to go and nothing left..you realise God is all you have and perhaps all you've ever needed"....

Famous People with Panic attacks and/or agoraphobia...

1. Nicole Kidman (actress)
2. Kim Basinger (actress)
3. Delta Burke (actress)
4. Donny Osmond (entertainer)
5. Winston Churchill
6. John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
7. Ann Wilson (Singer - Rock Group "Heart")
8. Winona Ryder (actress)
9. Marie Osmand (entertainer)
10. Cher (singer, actress)
11. Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
12. Roseanne Barr (comedian - actress)
13. Michael Jackson (singer)
14. Naomi Judd (singer)
15. Susan Powter (tv host)
16. Nicholas Cage (actor)
17. Sissy Spacek (actress)
18. Johnny Depp (actor)
19. Sally Field (actress)
20. Alanis Morisette (singer)
21. Burt Reynolds (actor)
22. Courtney Love (singer - actress)
23. Naomi Campbell (supermodel)
24. David Bowie (singer)
25. Carly Simon (singer)
26. Aretha Franklin (singer)
27. Lani O'Grady (actress)
28. Michael English (singer)
29. Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
30. Earl Campbell (football player)
31. Al Kasha (songwriter)
32. Emily Dickinson (poet)
33. Marty Ingels (comedian)
34. John Madden (sports announcer)
35. Leila Kenzle (actress)
36. Willard Scott (weatherman)
37. Shecky Greene (comedian)
38. Olivia Hussey (actress)
39. Oprah Winfrey (host - says she had just one attack)
40. Tom Snyder (host)
41. John Candy (comedian - actor)
42. Sam Shepard (playwright)
43. Isaac Asimov (author - educator)
44. Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
45. Dean Cain (actor)
46. Barbra Streisand (singer - actress)
47. Anne Tyler (author)
48. James Garner (actor)
49. Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
50. Pete Harnisch (baseball)
51. Nikola Tesla (inventor)
52. Charlotte Bronte (author)
53. Alfred Lord Tennyson (poet)
54. Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
55. John Steinbeck (author)
56. W.B. Yeats (poet)
57. Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
58. Abraham Lincoln (president)
59. Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
60. Robert Burns (poet)
61. Edvard Munch (artist)
62. John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
63. Calista Flockhart
64. Lucille Ball (actress, singer)
65. Jordan and Jonathon Knight (new kids on the block)
66. Norm McDonald (snl)
67. Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics (singer)
68. Scarlett Johansson (actress - Lost in Translation)
69. Shayne Corson (Toronto Maples Leafs forward)
70. Ricky William(football player)
71. Jessica Simpson(actress)
72. 1. Nicole Kidman (actress)
2. Kim Basinger (actress)
3. Delta Burke (actress)
4. Donny Osmond (entertainer)
5. Winston Churchill
6. John Cougar Mellancamp (musician, actor)
7. Ann Wilson (Singer - Rock Group "Heart")
8. Winona Ryder (actress)
9. Marie Osmand (entertainer)
10. Cher (singer, actress)
11. Beverly Johnson (supermodel)
12. Roseanne Barr (comedian - actress)
13. Michael Jackson (singer)
14. Naomi Judd (singer)
15. Susan Powter (tv host)
16. Nicholas Cage (actor)
17. Sissy Spacek (actress)
18. Johnny Depp (actor)
19. Sally Field (actress)
20. Alanis Morisette (singer)
21. Burt Reynolds (actor)
22. Courtney Love (singer - actress)
23. Naomi Campbell (supermodel)
24. David Bowie (singer)
25. Carly Simon (singer)
26. Aretha Franklin (singer)
27. Lani O'Grady (actress)
28. Michael English (singer)
29. Sir Laurence Olivier (actor)
30. Earl Campbell (football player)
31. Al Kasha (songwriter)
32. Emily Dickinson (poet)
33. Marty Ingels (comedian)
34. John Madden (sports announcer)
35. Leila Kenzle (actress)
36. Willard Scott (weatherman)
37. Shecky Greene (comedian)
38. Olivia Hussey (actress)
39. Oprah Winfrey (host - says she had just one attack)
40. Tom Snyder (host)
41. John Candy (comedian - actor)
42. Sam Shepard (playwright)
43. Isaac Asimov (author - educator)
44. Charles Schultz (cartoonist)
45. Dean Cain (actor)
46. Barbra Streisand (singer - actress)
47. Anne Tyler (author)
48. James Garner (actor)
49. Jim Eisenreich (baseball)
50. Pete Harnisch (baseball)
51. Nikola Tesla (inventor)
52. Charlotte Bronte (author)
53. Alfred Lord Tennyson (poet)
54. Sigmund Freud (psychiatrist)
55. John Steinbeck (author)
56. W.B. Yeats (poet)
57. Sir Isaac Newton (scientist)
58. Abraham Lincoln (president)
59. Barbara Gordon (filmmaker)
60. Robert Burns (poet)
61. Edvard Munch (artist)
62. John Stuart Mill (philosopher)
63. Calista Flockhart
64. Lucille Ball (actress, singer)
65. Jordan and Jonathon Knight (new kids on the block)
66. Norm McDonald (snl)
67. Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics (singer)
68. Scarlett Johansson (actress - Lost in Translation)
69. Shayne Corson (Toronto Maples Leafs forward)
70. Ricky William(football player)
71. Jessica Simpson(actress)
72. Charles Darwin

A recent study stated that it is the more imaginative, creative or artistic people who are more prone to developing phobias if they have some bad experience that's almost unbearable. The list above will confirm that. This is because phobias have a lot to do with the misuse of the imagination. The list includes psychiatrists to politicians, artists to musicians, inventors to players, from students to city bankers terrified of the spotlight - treated for mild panic to people who have passed out when speaking in public....

So remember if it brings you to it..it will also bring you out of it :)

July 08

Its been a while I've blogged. I have quite a bit to talk about. Let me start by filling you in on what has been happening. Well there is good news. I have been meeting friends outside home, I am following my daily planner of things to do and I actually have been to church and felt quite ok. Being agoraphobic, it wasn't easy to do any of this earlier. And yes I have gone out and met friends alone, been to nearby shops by myself and can stay home alone without panicking.

This time has given me the opportunity to do the things I love doing. I have started on my hobby stuff, on and off i do catch a cold or stomach upset and then I have to take it easy. Yet overall I am definitely feeling great. It's been so much better and I'm already wondering whether everything I wrote about actually happened. Coz it feels so not like me right now.

Good news is also that I do have few symptoms - dizziness, headaches, etc yet I can stay calm. I know whatever happens, it will pass and I will be well again. So that keeps you going.

Right now I am running a slight fever and have this cold yet it's getting better. Nothing compares to the horrible ordeal I went through since Nov. I can say I have seen an improvement since April. It took a good 6 months to start doing normal activities. And the last 2 months I have been just continuing what I planned to do. I must say it helps. Get a plan out and make some goals and start at it slowly - step by step. One day at a time. And see how things get better and beautiful.

Till next time.
XXX

About Me...

I had my first attack 13 years ago during an illness. And then during 3 stressful times i became agoraphobic though I never had any attacks. Then 8 months ago I was ill again and had the second attack. After which due to a unhealthy lifestyle, stresses etc that I only noticed now were piling for about 3 years before that - I had got into this state. Since Nov, 07 is when I actually struggled with PD , A and severe depression. I started a little of everything I mentioned in all my articles and from Feb onwards I've noticed a marked improvement. I'm tapering off my medication slowly and lead an almost normal life now except for the fact I still am not ok about going out alone though its a big step as I see it coz in November I wouldn't get off my bed. Now I can do everything - including teach, play, study, have fun, talk to friends with very less anxiety and have also dealt with the last few attacks alone.

CBT also helped me and I've listed it in my previous articles so you can do it yourself though you might not know that each method listed has a medical name and I've kept it short and simple for ease of understanding. All in all this is to let you know you can be on your road to healing too however hopeless you might feel. 6 months ago I thought the sun would never shine - today I can see a glimmer of its rays and it has been rising ever since. I wish you all my very best in your journey to recovery which is possible and will happen. Give yourself time, love and have patience. And yes, you're not alone. the tide will turn, the rainbow will appear.
And there will be a day you'll write about your journey from dusk to dawn..

Till then...Cheerio :)

Dealing with your Panic - the Big issue here!

During panic we feel a myriad of sensations like I described in the earlier post and scary thoughts. All together - no wonder its so confusing. What you need to do is 1) Question each sensation and understand that its normal and not harmful
2) In a relaxed state of mind go try and experience just one sensation - suppose one of your sensations is feeling dizzy. You could spin around till you feel dizzy while remaining non anxious. In other words you can start feeling all your symptoms one at a time with no anxiety- at first you might experience some however with time it will decrease. You can ask a loved one to stay with you through the start as you do this. Running in place for an increased heart rate is another way of exposing yourself - remember you can have any or all of these anxiety sensations in isolation and be completely relaxed. On the other hand though if you do get anxious you will feel all this - however if you are no longer scared of the feelings - your anxiety will go away sooner and not turn into a panic attack. Coz now you don't fear the sensations of anxiety which is exactly why your anxiety turns into a panic attack in the first place.

For now this should be sufficient. All the best and keep smiling - or start smiling :)
More to come...take care..keep the faith.

Road to Recovery...

There are a number of things you have to realize besides educating yourself on what panic attacks are - they are totally harmless, normal sensations MIXED with scary, irrational thoughts about something going wrong with your own body. Otherwise it would be a normal anxiety episode where you go on stage, get the tremors n butterflies and the minute your off stage your fine!

Lets look at some of the myths about PD and A.

I have to stay at home or in safe zones :
This makes agoraphobia worse. We stay in thinking that this will keep us safe from getting attacks outside - yet no place can ever cause you to get an attack. If your safe at home - your safe anywhere. And only by going out will you get over your agoraphobia. So start going out - Do not sit at home and accommodate your anxiety. Its just that. Anxiety.

I have to be hyper vigilant:
Nopes - this is a complete no-no. And by this I mean focusing on your heart or breathing or something else. Unless diagnosed with a real illness in which case you will get treatment - there is absolutely NO NEED to focus on your body coz being hyper vigilant only takes you out of reality and makes you obsess about the tiniest sensations. Right now do you know your feet are touching the floor and your sitting on a chair and can feel it? No - chances are you probably dint realize it till I asked you to focus. Now if your focusing only on some body symptoms - how do you expect to feel anything else. And with anxiety - we tend to exaggerate the smallest feelings we have. So a slightly higher heart rate which might actually be normal after walking around will have us running for our lives with fear! It's a normal sensation and yet we will imagine the worst - and yes, you react accordingly. AT no point there is any danger to us except for the fact we limit our activities and are less fulfilled.

Instead start a little of this, the more you can do the better yet start small and keep at it.

Nutrition:
I would say start eating healthy - less oily/spicy/junk food and have more fresh fruits, veggies, proteins and fish if possible. Also add a nutritional supplement to your food and take a multivitamin and calcium. Also having 8-10 glasses of water is advisable. Consult a diet expert for the right kind of food you should be having if you are not too sure. Avoid alcohol, chocolate, too much sugar stuff, pineapple, caffeine and papaya as these increase anxiety.

Exercise: Walk for 1/2- 1 hour briskly or do aerobics. Dance, play some sports, go jogging or do breathing exercises/yoga or stretch.Whatever works for you, might be difficult in the start yet will become easier with practice - and don't stop - if your scared the first few times - keep trying till you feel less anxious.

Mental:
Read inspirational books, comics, anything light or with beauty. Watch nature for sometime, the sky, trees, anything that soothes you. Avoid the papers for a while and the news channels and anything stressful. Play crossword, board games, puzzles - anything light and yet involving some thinking.

Relaxation and Visualization:
This is very important in recovery. Find a spot to relax for 5- 10 minutes everyday to start with and increase it to atleast 1/2 hour or more. You can do this by simply listening to some soothing instrumental music or meditating on an inspiring scripture line. You can also relax each part of your body in turn while listening to some relaxation tapes available online. Try and achieve relaxation - it could also be gardening, just walking in the park or the beach or looking at pictures of the same.
Visualization involves writing down the best memories you've had and going through each and trying to feel what you felt at each point as vividly as possible. Hear the sounds, feel what you felt, see what you saw. And make it brighter and louder as you think about it. One word here - list down all these so you don't get distracted or your thoughts don't wander.

Spiritual:
I have found this helps to keep you moving when your hopes are low. Whatever your faith might be, being a christian I find listening to gospel songs and reading a scripture passage everyday helps. Also go for a confession or counseling and let all the hurt, guilt and angry feelings out once and for all. if its difficult , go in sessions. However do it - you'll feel a lot better after you do.

Emotional:
This is the best part. Do what you love doing, paint, sing, talk to friends, do something creative or cook or bake , play with a child or animal - the point is even if it's hard to do at first, after a while you'll be fully engrossed in it.

Medications:
If the anxiety is really traumatic I would suggest some SSRI to start with while on your healing path. Though you can heal without it too, it might take more time and will be more painful. Just medications though isn't the solution unless you want to take it for a long time. It's always best to deal with real issues and move on. Medication will help at that time to give relief while healing. Do discuss with your doctor about withdrawing your medication though.
And if possible don't rely on benzodiapines- SSRI's are safer - again check the list of side effects - sometimes the side effects cause us to think something is wrong with us when its normal side effects and if it's really bothersome check with your doctor about lowering the dose or changing it.

Psychological:
This is very important. Every step along the way as you do one or 2 of the above- list it in your diary and mark it as progress. It doesn't matter if you had stopped going to the store and now you started but was still scared or had an attack there. The fact that you went is a success. And the panic attack that came just shows you have more practice to do! So don't be discouraged. And keep at what you're doing. It might take a while - yet results will come.

Social:
Go to the church or join a support group - however don't discuss symptoms there and get more paranoid. Use it to feel better by cheering yourself up. Help some needy organization if its within your capacity. Sometimes just thinking about someone else makes you forget your own misery. Meet friends or chat online. And make sure you're with happy, positive people as much as possible. Anyone who's very negative at this time is someone you clearly would do well to avoid.

That' s about what you can do in short. I'll keep adding more articles here.
Make sure you get some sun as well.
Make a list of 20+ positive things to tell yourself and say it aloud 3 times daily on waking up, before sleeping and in the middle of the day.
Be an observer if you do get an attack. Ask yourself what you're feeling and merely observe- do not react or fight it although it might seem scary. At the same time tell yourself this is harmless and I will be ok! Thats it. And keep trying coz ultimately we are not trying to get rid of negative thoughts - at any point we could have others - we are learning how to respond correctly to these thoughts. The obvious would be to ignore then yet if you do give in and believe it and even get the worst attack possible - remember it will soon be ok and you'll calm down. Thats all you have to remember before or during or after the attack. It will come and go like the other times and though it feels horrible you'll be fine.
Do a lot of activity in the day. Fill your day with things to do - preferably happy, uplifting activities.
Make a list of the things you want to do and pick 3 for each week(eg: Cooking/ sports, walking to your door, talking to a friend) - give 5 mins to start with for each. Soon you'll be doing it through habit. try and do stuff which involves activity - less of staring at your TV and more of walking around.
Also give each activity an anxiety rating with 0 - being none and 10 - being a panic attack and also mention the time you spend on each coz with time you'll be able to do more of it with less anxiety. Keep this diary everyday and tell yourself even the smallest new thing you do or the extra minute you spend on doing something is a success coz it is. And remember anxiety goes up and down so if u feel more anxious on some days that's normal - just keep doing what's in your list.

God bless - XX

Panic Attacks - What is it?

Sure this wasn't easy. I remember after having the first one I was always on the lookout for another one! And boy, that's a terrible feeling. Coz all you do throughout or most of the day is 'Anticipate' another attack. To let you know what 'attack' I'm talking about - let's go back into the days of cavemen and wild animals lurking around. If a lion were to appear in front of them, what would they do? The body is built to provide flight, fight or freeze response. Which is a NATURAL harmless reaction to DANGER. Which means at any point in your life you have experienced this at least once if your body is functioning normally if faced with danger that could threaten your life - it is as simple as laughing when you find something funny or crying when you find something sad! To not do either would mean something is very wrong.
So why do I call it a disorder? If its natural and harmless? Coz its cool as long as there is real danger...what usually happens is this. If there is perceived danger - say you feel a chest pain and think you are about to get a heart attack - you might panic - if you start then to focus on the sensations of panic - you could believe 2 things. 1) That your heart beat increasing is actually a normal sensation of panic OR you really are having a heart attack. If its the former, what happens is this. You get scared now of the sensations which you believe to mean something actually is wrong with your heart and you panic more. Now the sensations of the flight or fight response is either one or more of an increased heart rate, choking or breathlessness sensation, numbing of hands, nausea, dizziness, pins and needles feeling, hyperventilation, blurring and a sense of impending doom and feeling you are about to die. There could be more or less to this list and as each one is different , at any point 2 or more sensations would be heightened. Not very nice especially when you believe one of them means something is wrong with you - you panic more and this leads into a full blown panic attack. End result you might go to emergency coz your so freaked out , you might start praying, you might take a sedative, you might run around getting more tensed - whatever it might be - finally you WILL calm down. Thats how your body is designed to work. When I realized this it made the whole thing less scary. Though there are still some more parts to look into. In the beginning I would avoid going anywhere alone coz I was afraid this would happen at any point and if I was alone what would I do? For anyone who's experienced it - even the toughest people will tell you it makes them whimpering puppies - it is by large the MOST horrifying feeling anyone could ever go through and that's why its so popular in becoming a disorder in most people. And hence makes you agoraphobic- confined to safe places and not leaving home or not going anywhere you think you cant escape from or might be embarrassed. This itself is the most crippling part to this disorder. I will list my own recovery steps I took and you can see which would benefit you for yours.

In the next article...Ciao till then.

Things are never what they seem to be...

Well to give you a brief idea about me before I start talking about the headline in bold;) I'm an IT professional - with above average IQ both emotionally and mentally. I have immense talent and knowledge and am blessed with a nice big family, live in a nice place free from wars and pretty safe....And yet - yes, I have had my dark moments. Moments so frustrating that no one in the world looking at me would even believe it in their wildest dreams. Everyone thinks I have it made. Yes friends and family who love me, excellent values, famous - maybe or not yet, popular - definitely and yet - yes for those who think with all these blessings things are greener on this side - let me go a little deeper into my mind and talk about what it is like to be the 'Golden Kid' with an anxiety disorder.

I was always a topper - won in many creative programmes - easily liked - and eye candy too! And yes you would say - you have it made- I would like to think so and hope so - yet I have been living with Panic disorder and for the past few months agoraphobia. So no it doesn't have to happen coz you are not smart enough or good looking or anything else that others might blame it on. Though if you have warped notions about the same which cause you to be hurt or angry - this can be an underlying cause. Anyways, is this a mental disorder? One might want to think so coz it sure seems like that but heck no, it isn't. It's a behaviour /emotional disorder and why that happens to maybe the best of people (yes, us even if you don't want to say that) -I'll come to that soon.

This anxiety disorder probably has its roots in childhood or something that happened along the way to cause stress. Maybe trauma, illness, loss, financial or emotional problems, accidents, other stresses, domestic violence, strict or ill parent, over expectations, shame,guilt, low self esteem, unexpressed anger and pain and as a result sensitivity or rebellion developed due to this. Some people take in to alcohol, drugs, smoking, sex, abusive behaviour- you know about it all - and yet some people suffer silently - with what we call Anxiety disorders. There are many of them yet I'm going to cover Panic Disorder (PD) and Agoraphobia - PD and A which is what I suffer from.

Now that we know why it could happen lets see what can we do about it. The first thing to remember is - You are normal. Unless you've been diagnosed with under normal IQ which is mental retardation - though most people with mental retardation would probably not get this disorder - you are perfectly normal with only a 'behaviour' problem. Its as simple as having a series of happy events come along and you feel happy right? Same way you have stressful incidents coming for too long or at a point you can't handle it or maybe too many at a time...and you could get this anxiety disorder.

Bottom line is when you feel something - any emotion it's always healthy to express it - cry, yell or laugh - don't deceive yourself though and pretend its not there - nor am i advocating banging up someone coz u feel angry - no. Just express it - go into a room and write it down and tear it up or talk into a recorder and express what you feel and erase it or just pray about it or talk it out to someone- Do NOT keep it within you. Coz in the long run it builds up and if you don't take up to any other addiction to ease the pain - anxiety disorder is quite likely the only outlet your emotions get to come out in. So first step - express yourself - be true to who you are. Panic Disorder is just a siren telling you something isn't right . Look at where you're going and what you're doing. Chances are you have to reconcile with your past or change your current lifestyle - find something you love doing and do it. Slowly most of the pain will lift and you WILL begin to heal. In the next article I'll write about my own healing path. Remember it's different for different people so if you've tried some that don't seem to work - just keep trying till you find your own UNIQUE healing path.

Till next time.

Dark Shinin' Light..

Ciara - Dark, Luminosa - Bright, shining.

Welcome to my world...our world - where we all have our own journeys from dawn to dusk and back again from dusk to dawn..

It's all about this finally isn't it. We have moments when it gets dark and we just wanna lie down and close our eyes and go into a world of oblivion only to later feel the warm sun on our face and we open our eyes to take in all the beauty dawn has to offer - yes - the bright moments of our life.

So this is all about that - will get right to it now - so catch you around. And hope this makes for some good reading for those who've been there - wishing you a splendid journey as you move on - yourselves - from darkness to light..